Domestic Violence: Why Did I Stay?
February 6, 2007 9:34 am Be Encouraged
Recently my daughter and I met a beautiful young lady and her mother for coffee. This young woman has chosen the path of recovery at a young age and her eyes sparkled with hope—a newfound hope in Christ. I was praising God for the amazing things I saw in her life. These are the moments I enjoy the most. She came however with a pointed question for me. It is a question asked many times by others in the recovery process; and in fact it’s a question that has settled in my heart since my own abusive circumstances: “Why did you stay so long with your abuser?”
Why, indeed? It seems, sadly, to be a question too many have had to ask regarding the abused woman. Why does she stay? Can’t she see that he will never change? What in the world is wrong with her?
My abuser told me that I was beautiful and doted over me in a way I had never felt before. Then gradually he started to set unrealistic expectations that I could never meet. His disappointment in me was how he justified his abuse toward me. Sometimes he would let me believe that I had diffused a situation. But it only took one time of physical violence to plant of seed of terror that kept me compliant. In my mind I was safer with him than to leave him. I “knew” he would try to kill me if I left.
The abuser is actually using a powerful form of brainwashing. Here, according to one source, is the common cycle of violent abuse: 1st is the Tension-Building Phase which can go for days or even years. For me, this entailed an unbearable tension as I did all I could to keep the peace; but I knew that danger lie ahead. 2nd comes what is called the Acute-Battering Phase— the explosion of anger directed at the abused partner. This is a time of great release and instant relief for the abuser and a time of shock, denial and shame for the abused person.
The 3rd step of the cycle is the Contrite and Loving Behavior Phase or the (“Honeymoon” Phase.) “I’m so sorry; I’ll never do it again.” This is a time of repentance and promises and possibly even some temporary changes (stop drinking, counseling, etc.) It is a wonderful time that I remember fondly. Once again I was beautiful, needed, and loved. This is why I stayed. This is what I longed for. This is the power of manipulation that got me to come back home after the violence.
The 4th and final step is the Calm Phase. Everything is peaceful. It’s good. It’s exactly the way it should be…and then we go back to Phase One.
Domestic abuse is a slippery and evil force with which to be reckoned. Its victims have been compared to those who have been through child abuse, hostage situations, concentration camps, and POWs. I realize this information is intense and painful to read, but as a survivor of abuse, the above steps seem right on target. It is my goal to help you understand what your loved one is going through so that you can give knowledgeable support and hope.
More in-depth information can be found on the Web:
Biderman’s Chart of Coercion: http://www.familyshelterservice.org/pdf/bidermans_chart_of_coercion.pdf
Stockholm Syndrome: http://people.howstuffworks.com/stockholm-syndrome.html
1 Peter 1:3 – Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ.
~ Wendi English
