When God tells us to slow down, His message can be overwhelmingly direct. For me, the communication came in the form of a broken ankle. Caution: Beware of taking little black dogs for walks on dark, rainy nights! (Don’t worry – the dog is fine.)

The first week after my fall I was relatively miserable. This was followed by an unwanted (although necessary) surgery of a plate and six screws being placed into my right ankle. Altogether, I was forced to completely halt my life for almost an entire month.

Now, I don’t do inactivity well. Somehow I was able to get my school work done and did not miss even one class. But, that is all I did. No time was given to my internship. I did no cooking or cleaning. Basically, I laid on the couch with my foot elevated and iced down while reading and watching old movies. I was at the mercy of my family for every need I had.

Throughout the month, I would have to send people up to my room for this or that. I had to rely on my family to make my meals and provide me with social interaction. As the days moved sluggishly on, everyone started getting tired of “waiting hand and foot on mom.” Everyone, that is, except my daughter Courtney Grace (a.k.a. Gracie).

My Gracie became my angel. Never once did she complain or make me feel like a burden. She cheerfully cooked delicious meals and kept the house in order. She sat with me hour after hour and showered me with loving attention. She even took a picture of my discolored and swollen ankle to e-mail to my mother. Ew-w-w!

Through the selfless efforts of my daughter, I was reminded of God’s Grace toward us. He says, for by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God. Ephesians 2:8 (NASB). True grace is a gift. The ultimate beauty of God is portrayed when a person gives of themselves with no expectations of recompense.

God has blessed me with not only His grace, but with His gift of Gracie.

~ Wendi English

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16)

A new year is upon us and, as is often the custom, many of us reflect upon the past year as we look to the new. A word of encouragement to those who might be looking back or forward toward continued personal physical or emotional pain: All of us can begin this new year with hope—a hope that is based, not upon results or an outcome, but which is anchored securely in the Person of Jesus Christ. He is our hope.

The Bible tells us that those who come to God must believe that He is, and that He rewards those who diligently seek Him (Heb. 11:6). To discover God’s mercy and grace (Heb. 4:16), we must come to His “throne of grace” in earnest prayer, daily seeking his face.

This year, each day, let’s just do it!

~ Karilee Hayden

“In everything give thanks, for this is God’s will for you”. . . (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NAS)

All of us, at one time or another, have been challenged by this verse, haven’t we—because during tough times, we just don’t feel like giving thanks!

Halfway through our daughter’s 20-year rebellion, I suddenly woke up to the fact that the majority of my thoughts were being focused on my problems: my fears for Wendi’s future—my frustrations with her poor choices—my feelings of personal parenting inadequacies—my struggles to help our daughter see God’s love and desires for her. At that particular moment in life, God had gotten my attention (through His Word) that He wanted me to find ways to be thankful to Him . . . to look for and appreciate the many good things currently present in my life . . . to discover the hope and joy and peace of a having thankful spirit . . . to thank and praise Him even when I didn’t feel like it (read pages 156-159 in Wild Child, Waiting Mom to see how God led me into a daily “two-mile-walk-of-praise”).

The Bible says that being thankful is not only important for our emotional and spiritual well-being, but the exercise of thankfulness—even in the hardest of times—is essential in our relationship with Christ, and an integral ingredient of personal spiritual growth. Praising God in tough times draws us more deeply into His magnificent love and generates a precious reliance of trust and rest in His sufficiency for all our needs.

Now, here I am, almost ten years after Wendi’s return to the Savior, learning yet another lesson about being a thankful child of God. Not too long ago I experienced a physical problem that twice landed me in the emergency room, one visit resulting in a several-day hospital stay. My physical problems were related to a wildly arrhythmic heart. Shortly after I was released from the hospital I found myself looking at people through the lens of their healthy hearts. As middle-aged shoppers strode by I’d silently wonder, Have you given thanks to God today that your heart beats steadily without instruction from you? A twenty-something girl hurrying past would trigger the thought, When was the last time you thanked God that you are healthy and strong? In watching fathers playfully interacting with their young sons my soul asked theirs, Are you appreciative that you can do that without shortness of breath? Seeing carefree teens horsing around in the mall made my heart want to shout, Be thankful! Be thankful!

We take so much for granted . . . until it is gone . . . or broken . . . or failing.

Today I exhort each of us to regularly and purposefully tell God thank you. Thank Him for the things so often taken for granted:  legs that walk . . . ears and eyes that work well . . . hearts that beat properly . . . lungs that breathe without help. Let’s thank Him for music and colors and lakes and cherished pets . . . for sunshine and rainbows and breezes . . . for the ability to read and think and talk  . . . for the privilege of communing one-on-one with almighty God. For religious freedom. For our more-than-ample American conveniences. Thank Him for friends and family (warts and all). Praise Him for the fact that, though He didn’t have to, God crafted a plan for His children (self-centered, sinful, and often ungrateful as we are) to one day live in His presence, with perfect bodies and in complete joy, forever and ever . . . Wow! Thank Him for that.

Let’s be grateful, appreciative children toward our wondrous heavenly Father.

“Let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually, that is, the fruit of our lips giving thanks to His name” . . . (Hebrews 13:15 – KJV)

~ Karilee Hayden

Recently my daughter and I met a beautiful young lady and her mother for coffee. This young woman has chosen the path of recovery at a young age and her eyes sparkled with hope—a newfound hope in Christ. I was praising God for the amazing things I saw in her life. These are the moments I enjoy the most. She came however with a pointed question for me. It is a question asked many times by others in the recovery process; and in fact it’s a question that has settled in my heart since my own abusive circumstances: “Why did you stay so long with your abuser?”

Why, indeed? It seems, sadly, to be a question too many have had to ask regarding the abused woman. Why does she stay? Can’t she see that he will never change? What in the world is wrong with her?

My abuser told me that I was beautiful and doted over me in a way I had never felt before. Then gradually he started to set unrealistic expectations that I could never meet. His disappointment in me was how he justified his abuse toward me. Sometimes he would let me believe that I had diffused a situation. But it only took one time of physical violence to plant of seed of terror that kept me compliant. In my mind I was safer with him than to leave him. I “knew” he would try to kill me if I left.

The abuser is actually using a powerful form of brainwashing. Here, according to one source, is the common cycle of violent abuse: 1st is the Tension-Building Phase which can go for days or even years. For me, this entailed an unbearable tension as I did all I could to keep the peace; but I knew that danger lie ahead. 2nd comes what is called the Acute-Battering Phase— the explosion of anger directed at the abused partner. This is a time of great release and instant relief for the abuser and a time of shock, denial and shame for the abused person.

The 3rd step of the cycle is the Contrite and Loving Behavior Phase or the (“Honeymoon” Phase.) “I’m so sorry; I’ll never do it again.” This is a time of repentance and promises and possibly even some temporary changes (stop drinking, counseling, etc.) It is a wonderful time that I remember fondly. Once again I was beautiful, needed, and loved. This is why I stayed. This is what I longed for. This is the power of manipulation that got me to come back home after the violence.

The 4th and final step is the Calm Phase. Everything is peaceful. It’s good. It’s exactly the way it should be…and then we go back to Phase One.

Domestic abuse is a slippery and evil force with which to be reckoned. Its victims have been compared to those who have been through child abuse, hostage situations, concentration camps, and POWs. I realize this information is intense and painful to read, but as a survivor of abuse, the above steps seem right on target. It is my goal to help you understand what your loved one is going through so that you can give knowledgeable support and hope.

More in-depth information can be found on the Web:

Biderman’s Chart of Coercion: http://www.familyshelterservice.org/pdf/bidermans_chart_of_coercion.pdf

Stockholm Syndrome: http://people.howstuffworks.com/stockholm-syndrome.html

1 Peter 1:3 – Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

~ Wendi English

My soul is . . . very vexed; but thou, O LORD, how long? (Psalm 6:3)

When our daughter Wendi became pregnant at age 16, Dan and I found ourselves thrown into a life-situation we were totally unprepared for. A death-grip of the world, the flesh, and the devil had seized our daughter’s heart and began to squeeze the very life out of her. Emotional pain such as we had never experienced before sucked the joy out of life. Peace seemed elusive. Instead, sorrow, fears, and even moments of despair clung to us like smelly wet garments. Nine months later her beautiful boy was born and placed up for adoption. With broken hearts we continued our prayer vigil for Wendi and hoped for a new dawn in our storm.

What a long, agonizing year! Would the experience of bearing a child be Wendi’s wake-up call? Would her heart turn back to the Lord as she faced this heart-rending consequence of her rebellious heart? Ah, no . . . another spiral downward would cast her into a level of drugs and alcohol that nearly destroyed her. Where are you, God? I thought you cared! Please hear our cries. How long, O Lord, how long?

God did answer our prayers. But His timetable was different than ours. A total of 20 arduous years would slog by before Wendi came to the end of her self—to realize her need for the Savior. The whys of that long interval of heartache is a topic for another time. God’s purposes are never fully understood this side of heaven, but I do know that He pursued Wendi each step of the way, and He personally taught me deep and beautiful lessons during our painful journey.

Keeping the flame of hope burning in the midst of heartbreak isn’t an easy task. Much of the time our eyes leave the magnificent love of God to focus on the problems. We fasten our thoughts on each wrong action of our beloved child . . . we dwell on our fears and pain. Sometimes we even emotionally pull back to a place of despair. It need not be so.

Dear parent, during your child’s rebellion, choose to actively seek the Lord. Daily set aside time—time each day without disturbance—to draw your heart to Christ. Learn of His love for you and your child. Learn of His ability to bring beauty out of ashes of pain. Learn of HIM. He offers rest for your soul.

“Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me…; and ye shall find rest unto your souls” (Matt. 11:28-29).

~ Karilee Hayden

“Oh Lord, Kathy is sure a bad influence on my daughter. Would you please break up their friendship before my girl gets hurt . . .”

O-o-h, that sounds kind of harsh. “Uh, Lord . . . I know Kathy has a rebellious attitude because of her parents’ divorce and because she doesn’t know You. Would you please let us have a positive influence for Christ so she could get saved . . .

“Well, actually Lord, I’m a little confused. You know I’m concerned for my daughter; but I also would love to see Kathy find Christ. Please help me know what to pray.”

Have you ever prayed a prayer like that? I wish I had the proverbial nickel for every time I haven’t known what to pray. It probably wouldn’t make me rich, but it would undoubtedly be enough to take my wife Karilee out for a nice evening and dinner.

Well, God understands our dilemma. Trying to balance the sovereign actions of God with our willful desires is probably the most common problem in our prayers. So God has taken the initiative to help us by assigning a special ministry of prayer to the Holy Spirit on our behalf:

Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches the hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God – Romans 8:26,27 (ESV)

What is it that the Holy Spirit actually does? These verses say that He helps us when we don’t know what to pray. I know how to pray – it’s what that has me off-balance.

You see, I don’t always know what the will of God is in any particular situation. Is it to use our home to influence Kathy for Christ, or is it to break up the friendship between Kathy and my daughter? But the Holy Spirit knows exactly what the will of God is – so He jumps in and prays for me. In other words, He takes my crazy, mixed-up prayer and straightens it out as it flies toward the throne of God.

I pray, “Lord, take away this pain.” Then the Holy Spirit says, “Oops. Wrong prayer,” and changes it to say, “Lord, use this pain to help me grow spiritually and to give me a platform to bring glory to Your name.” That’s how it comes to God – and God says, “My, that’s a wonderful prayer. I think I’ll answer it just that way.”

Now, that’s often why the answer to our prayers is different than the way we prayed. The Holy Spirit is helping us by correcting our prayers so that God can answer them according to His perfect will.

Understand, though – this is no mechanical thing like a computer program that automatically corrects your spelling. The verses say that the Holy Spirit interecedes for us with groanings too deep for words. This is the normal word for interecede, but something special is added to it. The Greek preposition “huper” (from which we get our word “hyper”) is added to the front of the word so that the Holy Spirit is actually hyper-interceding for us. Wow! That’s pretty intense.

Then, the emotional element is added: . . . with groanings too deep for words. You see, the Holy Spirit is so concerned about our relationship to Christ that His prayer on our behalf is filled with emotional groanings which cannot begin to be verbalized. It’s like a gut-reaction that totally identifies with the intense pain that surrounds our confused prayer.

If you knew that I was agonizing in intercessory prayer for you with regard to some problem in your life, you would probably be greatly encouraged that I cared enough for you to pray that way on your behalf. Well, that is exactly what the Holy Spirit does every time you bring your troubles to God in prayer. He helps you by hyper-interceding for you, with agonizing emotion, that God will do exactly what is good and best for your life and the life of the person for whom you’re praying.

How encouraging is that! And, you can count on it – because God said so.

~ Dan Hayden

Encouragements

In life there are those who touch our hearts unintentionally. It may be through a seemingly tiny act of kindness shown during a time of need (perhaps it came during that day which threatened to never end, and a kind stranger allowed you to skip in front of her in the grocery line). Or just an unexpected kind word or warm smile.

At times, we all need encouragement.

During the years that I wandered further and further from Christ, He was faithful to touch my heart with many such encouragers. Some were my friends whom I continued to push away by my bad choices. Others were those I silently watched from a distance as their lives portrayed Christ’s humble grace.

Today I would like to bring encouragement to you (each one who unknowingly touched my life personally)—with my thanks.

The Girl Who Said No

It was the summer of ‘85 and I was attending a two-week Christian camp for teens. Boredom had set in. But not to worry, I had devised a plan. I had finagled a one night pass for my friend Cassie (from school) to come stay at camp. I had also handpicked two other friends to come along. Suzi was a childhood friend from Madison and Sydney a party girl from Milwaukee I had just met.

The plan: after “lights-out” I would lay awake for 45 minutes to be sure everyone in the cabin was sleeping. Then I would tap each of the other three in their beds and we would quietly sneak out and down to the water front. We would canoe across Spider Lake to the public boat landing where I had arranged for a car full of friends from town to pick us up to party. We would shove the canoes back into the water so they looked as if they had simply floated away from camp. We would return along a small path that followed the lake and creep back into bed before the morning bell sounded. It was a genius plan! And yes, for those who are curious, it was executed; and until this day of confession, no one has ever found out.

However, that evening Suzi had come to me and declined the adventure. She admitted it sounded fun, but also she felt uncomfortable with breaking the rules.

And so we went as a threesome in one canoe instead of two.

Suzi is still my friend. She is still following the Lord with her life and has a beautiful family. She stood alone for what she knew would be honoring to Christ that day so many years ago. Today I thank her and every person who has stood up under pressure for their Christian faith. Suzi has touched my life over the past 30-some years that I have known her. Her life, her love, and her faith have encouraged me greatly.

As a renegade rebel I lost touch with many such friends as Suzi. But today you are all still out in this world living your lives for Jesus. I thank you. Thank you for standing firm and not losing your witness. Thank you for drawing wayward souls toward heaven with each day you live out His love.

Thank you for reaching out to me once again now that I have returned home to Savior.

Unintentionally you have brought strength and joy to my life. To my friends Amy, Aaron, Jarod, Karilee M., Suzi, Joy, Scott, Becky, Tim, Toni, Jill and many others: you represent the small part of my past that remains pure, and I am deeply grateful for all of you.

And to you, whoever you are, now reading these words, understand this: your testimony of love for Christ touches people in ways you may not know until God reveals His plan in glory.

You all matter greatly. Today, I simply want to thank you for standing for the truth that has set me free.

“I thank my God in all my remembrances of you.” Philippians 1:3

~ Wendi English

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him (Psalm 42:11-ESV).

A concerned mother of a wayward child recently wrote to our ministry. “Your book gave me hope,” she began as she shared her personal prodigal story. That’s encouraging to our hearts, because the primary focus of our new ministry is to help families of prodigals discover and maintain hope amidst their pain.

So today I speak to the discouraged parent – the tired, the disheartened, perhaps even bitter mother or father – individuals who have prayed earnestly, diligently, for a wayward son or daughter, yet still await that prayer to be answered. Where is God? Does He truly care? Why does my child continue to snub his or her nose at the things we as parents have taught? Does God hear my prayers?

Ah, yes. The journey along side a “wild child” is, many times, excruciating. Hopes turn to disappointment and heartbreak, engulfing the souls – the daily lives – of mothers and fathers who love their child unreservedly.

Oh, how you long for your beloved child to come home to the Savior…to discover purpose and fulfillment in life…to find relief from self-destructive behavior. Oh, how you love!

And oh, how you cringe. How angry you sometimes feel! Yet, how saddened… Your child has not only failed to come home, but things have gotten worse. Perhaps despair has settled into the corners of life. Bitter thoughts flick through your mind. “God, you’ve really let me down. Do you not care?”

When Wendi and I began writing our story together, the common thread in our tale was that of HOPE. In fact, we originally titled our book “Hope in Dark Places.” For me, (the mother of a wild child for twenty years), finding hope in Christ amidst the pain was a journey. An arduous journey, but one of great reward. Early on in our daughter’s waywardness, I found myself placing my hopes in preconceived results: I hoped for resolution to our daily struggle with a child who rebelled at every turn…I hoped and prayed for protection from harm for Wendi…I hoped (and prayed) that God would reach down and rescue her, “Right now is a good time, Lord!”

And during this dual journey Wendi, too, sought hope: hope for fulfillment…for purpose…for relief from her difficulties…and ultimately for God Himself.

God taught me important lessons – crucial lessons – during Wendi’s 20-year-rebellion. Every lesson was custom-designed specifically to help me grow in Christ, discover His total sufficiency, and experience true joy amidst our family struggle. And I learned that not only is Christ alone our hope, but He is entirely trustworthy, even through the bad times. Especially through the bad times.

Do you have a prodigal whom you love deeply? Take heart! Our God of hope also loves your prodigal more deeply and purely than we humans can love; and He hears and answers our fervent prayers. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. …learn from me…and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:28-29). Determine today – right now – to discover who He is and what He wishes you to know concerning your daily struggle. Let Him restore your hope.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope! (Romans 15:13-ESV).

~ Karilee Hayden